Today is three months since Ty has been gone. I hardly realized it at first.
~My brother died on the 28th of the month~
Thursdays always seem to be hard for me. Didn’t even realize why at first.
~My brother died on a Thursday.~
This morning as I productively make my way through my “to do” list, feeling that sense of accomplishment at crossing stuff off that list, I am hit with that feeling that has become so familiar to me these past months. The tears come and I struggle to stop them. I am helpless to. Or maybe I just no longer see the need. It’s all part of the process and I am determined that letting go is what I need.
Just moments ago as I signed onto facebook, to check in with my friends of the world wide web, just to see what they are up to (or perhaps for a bit of escape) I came across the announcement that Lea Michele (actress from Glee) has released a song she wrote about losing her love (and fellow actor), Cory. Theirs is a story of romance but . . . her struggle with making sense in losing him in the tragic unexpected way she did; a struggle I know all too well now.
A struggle in which there are many ups and downs.
A struggle in which I sometimes find It hard to make sense of what it is true and what is false; uncertain and afraid of what to believe in.
But . . .
A struggle in which I find comfort to know that I am not alone.
A struggle . . . I know I will make my way through.
A struggle . . . I realize is necessary for my growth as a human being; all part of the journey.
A struggle . . . I am even grateful for.
My cousin posted this on her sister’s facebook wall (this morning, as well). Though I don’t entirely agree with every word there are more parts that I do than I don’t.
#6 especially, I believe to be true right now. Something that has become increasingly evident to me and that I have come to believe, is that there are no coincidences in this life. Just as the song was released today or that the above meme appeared in my feed, the book I have just finished reading parallels some of what I have been going through. Though it is entirely a fictional story and has nothing directly to do with the loss of a loved one, there is a character, Jem, in the story that parallels my brother in some ways and the relationship between him and another character, Will (his “parabatai” ), our relationship. I have read the entire series (all 6 books) and it isn’t until THIS one, at THIS time, that I have made this connection.
The following passages/quotes spoken by the character, Magnus Bane to Will resonate with me:
Magnus took a deep breath and spoke gently: “Will. You have asked me for my wisdom, as someone who has lived many lifetimes and buried many loves. I can tell you that the end of a life is the sum of the love that was lived in it, that whatever you think you have sworn, being here at the end of Jem’s life (beside him) is not what is important. It was being here for every other moment. Since you met him, you have never left him and never not loved him. That is what matters.”
“You asked me how I, being immortal, survive so many deaths. There is no great secret. You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it. That is all.”*
And so I will struggle, I will bear it, I will endure it. At the end of his life, the sum of my love and the love that was returned by him in his life while he was here with me, THAT is all that matters. THAT is what gets me through. THAT is what I am so grateful for!
And as I write this, I am aware of all that I still have left in my life. All of it has taken on more meaning to me, has become that much more beautiful and I am that much more grateful for it all!
This morning, amidst the struggle, it is the little things that are getting me through . . .
As always, I leave with this . . .
LOVE and LIGHT for myself and all of you,
*Quotes taken from the book “Clockwork Princess” by Cassandra Clare; book three in the Infernal Devices series.